Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
