halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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