I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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