After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
