So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
