How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
