I just threw up on my dentist
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
