His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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