Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
