Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
