i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
