I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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