I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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