sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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