i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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