Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Even my vagina gasped.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
