u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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