Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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