You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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