Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
