Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
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