I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
