I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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