Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize