I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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