I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
