you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
BRING THE BAGELS
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize