I didn't shave. On purpose
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
this hospital has no fireball
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
