respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
