listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
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VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
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I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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