Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
