I must be too annoying 4 u.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
