I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
