Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
