If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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