Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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