she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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