Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
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Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
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Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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