Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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