Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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