chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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