Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
