They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
