Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
