The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think your dad took our porno
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
