:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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