Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
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