sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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