Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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