I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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