Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror