so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".