Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
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I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.