I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
