her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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