My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
